I feel very unsettled.
Things are really like a roller coaster ride with some days being really good and some days rather devastating…definitely getting better cos’ i can see the change. But to what extent will things improve? How long a time is enough? I want to try my best..i want to make sure i have put in enough time to try my best…before i give up. But, i do not know why i am trying my best cos’ i am not entirely sure what outcome i want, what outcome i can accept and what outcome i can proudly announce to all and sundry.
It is really tough figuring things out. I really fully understand the meaning of corny phrases like “butterflies in my stomach”, “an aching heart”, “brain and heart not saying the same things”, “needing time to know what i want”, “preparing myself for the worst” and the meaning of the word “uncertain”.
I need to know what outcome i want as soon as possible, if that is at all possible. If i don’t see things improving to a reasonable situation by mid-Sep, I will give up. Meanwhile, i will try my very best. I will be patient, good, strong, tolerant, supportive, whatever positive adjective there is in the dictionary. My stand must be clear. And if trying so hard doesn’t make things better, i would give up with no regrets. And if i don’t see myself knowing what i want by end-Dec, I shall move on.
If i am sounding very confused, well, it is cos i am.
Last thing: i really hate the feeling of a broken heart. I hate the phrase “letting time heal all wounds”. Because bloody hell, although the phrase is true and time indeed does lick wounds, the healing process still hurts like hell.