Category Archives: Musings

Feeling determined

Lately, I have been feeling very determined.

To you, all I can say is criticism and snarky remarks just strengthen my resolve, and when my resolve is at its full strength, few can come close. At least that’s what I choose to believe. Ha.

To you, all I can say is…I will treat you as a teacher. Surviving you will make me a better person.

To you, and you, thanks for being such positive inspirations:) I will strive to equal you=))

And to you, thanks for making me feel a bit more motivated to put in more effort (though you are probably unaware of it haha).

And to you, for some reason, you have haunted my thoughts for almost two years now. On, off, on and off. I am determined to shake you off, and to be better, happier in all ways.

Now, with all these proclamations, all I need is to er get my determination to its fullest levels. Easier said than done!

Life, 31 years and 11 months

Today is a peaceful Saturday- i slept in after supper with H last night. Haven’t seen him in almost 6 months and yet, hanging out was surprisingly comfortable. Guess that’s what happens when a person has been a huge part of your life for the longest time.

It’s rainy, the house is quiet (mum’s napping so my ears are spared from yet another round of nagging), i am full after a meal,  laundry done and i’m happily sipping Gong Cha, while waiting for the bf, henceforth known as B, to come online.

I rarely blog but I’m bored right now. It’s nice to write in anonymity, and then look back years later at the entries and marvel at how things have changed or how I have grown.

And in case any young naive person happens to read this post, it is true: time does heal and make things clearer. If you follow your heart, most of the time, things turn out good:).

Dear me in xx years from now,

At this point in my life, i would say that i am very satisfied. A wee bit bored, a wee bit afraid, but mostly satisfied and happy.

On the physical front, I am grateful for good health and youthful genes. I am almost 32, and people still think i am an intern.

Just a while ago, I was having dinner with a former colleague when I was picked up. God knows how long i haven’t been picked up. The man (who looks 27, max) approached me, told me his friend (who looks 27, max) was interested to “know me”. Not cool but still an ego booster:p The last time I was picked up outside of a club, in clear light, I was on the very right side of 30.

My clubbing days are over. 2 years ago, when I was still clubbing with my colleagues often, i had wondered aloud why people stop. While I have never been a hard-core party-goer – once a month at most – i enjoyed dancing and drinking.

But  I can’t club anymore. After a one-year break, i partied with my best friends from secondary school in January. It was a riot and we had lots of fun, except that I came down with flu the very next day, and recovered fully only after two weeks. I have the answer now to my own question- you simply get too old/lazy/weak. Though I still won’t say no to clubbing if i’m asked a year later! Haha…

Work-wise, I am in a new role in an industry completely foreign to me. I am not a high-flyer but i am very, very thankful that I have always had the courage (and the means) to go out of my comfort zone.

My first job of 3 years and 2 months (?) taught me so much about respecting and embracing differences. The reasonably high pay gave me savings, my driving license and plenty of opportunities to live it up. I loved my kiddos. To this day, I still keep in touch with many of them.

My second ill-fated stint with a local PR agency lasted all of six months, thanks to the most unlikeable pair of bosses I have ever encountered. One good thing came out of it: I got to know a bunch of eye-candies who are now close friends. We still meet up regularly.

I loved the three years I spent meeting deadlines. I met so many people whom I would never have met or spoken with otherwise, got to know so many young friends of the same wave length, worked under some of the best and most inspiring bosses, had so much fun, and pretty much tire myself out with the steep learning curve and sky-high job demands. I pretty much think this is a must-try for anyone below 30 (you need lots of energy, curiousity and stamina-things which rapidly deplete after 30 haha).

My next one month doing the same old, now in entertainment as opposed to the serious stuff, was too short to be significant but I did get to see Super Junior and SNSD up close and personal. I am not a K-Pop fan though. I also learnt that frivolous things you enjoy during your leisure time become an absolute chore when it morphs into your job. I mean, I really don’t care what Wang Lee Hom is doing.

I am more than a year into my new role now, on the other side of the fence. I am relishing the stability, the fixed hours, the supportive work environment and the discovery of a completely corporate world.

This also marks the first job where I actually sit more than 70 percent of the time. Drives me nuts cos’ i am restless. Making me fat too (oh, how my metabolism has slowed. I used to be able to eat a lot before I get a tummy. Now my tummy is flat only in the morning. -_-“).

I have loved, lost and gained, gotten hurt and hurt others but I am none the worse for wear. I still am a hopeless romantic, I still believe in love. H will always be one of my closest friends and no words can describe how grateful I am that we are still in touch. While I no longer love him in a romantic sense, i still do love him and wish nothing but the best for him.

B: there are challenges, there are times when we want to strangle each other, but I love him:) Don’t want to say too much cos’ I could jinx things but buddy, I’m so grateful that you are in my life.

I had a checklist of things to do and achieve. Running marathons, climbing Mt Ophir and Kinabalu, travelling, going for yoga, sky-diving, diving, buying a house (ended up buying, selling and buying again), living on my own (a good two years), renting a place (oh yes I did), doing a solo trip (I went to Phuket) blah blah blah blah blah. I have completed every single item and that explains the slight boredom.

Going forward, I want to spend time firming up my new checklist (already have some ideas in mind, which will hopefully be achieved by the time the older me – i.e. you – read this again). Life is really all about little milestones and the celebrations, however small, that go along with completing them.

Last but not least, i do feel a little scared. When you are young, you feel immortal. I now worry whether I have enough insurance and savings, if I will be old with filial kids (or old and lonely; old with kids who steal my money; old and sickly, you get the drift).

When you read this post, no matter how life might have turned out for you, I hope you will remember how you felt at this point in time. Happy, blessed, trying to find new goals, and feeling a wee bit of trepedation mixed with a big dose of hope and optimism.

Love,

Me, 31 years and 11 months.

PS: Hope you don’t have too many wrinkles. Hope you have a happy family, good friends, and are surrounded by love. Hope you are hale, healthy, and more importantly, contented, happy and fortunate=)).

Hello Stranger

It has been a year since I last blogged.

Time flies so fast that it is scary sometimes.

Lots of things have happened in 2011- like the year before, it was, for the lack of a better description, an experience.

For better or for worse, I have grown.

I sold my home, and bought a new studio apartment.

I started renting a place to live on my own (my new place will hopefully be ready very soon)

I quit my job, a job that I have been passionate about for 3 years (simply because management changed and i really don’t want to work under a collective bunch of bimbos and manipulative bitches), joined another company for a month and quit because I realised entertainment wasn’t quite my interest.

Many years on after Mount Ophir, I completed Mt Kinabalu with a bunch of friends I have known more than half my life.

A few years on after my first half-marathon, I did my second. Slower timing, but I completed it=). I also did it for the first time with someone different.

I went on my first two work-trips ever: 2 weeks in London (woo hoo!) and a day in…Batam haha.

Also had two short but relaxing getaways in Hong Kong and Bali.

My father passed away.

2012 has so far, in comparison to two preceding years, been stable.

I found a job which I like reasonably, with people who are reasonably nice, which is a fantastic location, and which offers a reasonable pay and benefits package. At age 20, when I was in debt thanks to study loans, I chose to embark on a job which provides me with a high starting pay (didn’t regret it- I enjoyed my 3+ years immensely, paid up all my loans and saved enough). At age 27, I decided to pursue my interest- in a job which is so tough, I think nothing really fazes anymore.Contrary to expectations that I would not last a year, I did, and then some more:). Now..turning 31, I have found a job which I think I can retire in. *Cross fingers that there will be no terrible changes to management etc.

Emotionally, I feel at-peace.

Here’s to 2012 and I hope I blog more often.

I need a break!!

Well, it has been a very, erms, exciting period for me.

Lots of changes on the workfront, plenty of ‘incidents’ on a personal level.

I am very tired- emotionally, mentally and physically. I can’t wait for Jan 1 cos i am going on a 5-day break. And one more thing, 2 weeks, and it will be the end of year. Omg.

Highlights Part 3

Just the stunning scenery and the lovely resort. Mother nature is indeed the best medicine for frazzled souls. All the green and blue, coupled with the slow pace of life and a very congenial Thai culture (which I must say I like!) made me feel sublime. 

Throughout the whole four days, I only felt scared…when I was strolling along Patong at night (simply cos’ there were so many drunkards) and when I took a cab back (man, the routes were long, winding and completely dark. I kept thinking if anything was to happen to me, my body would be in no man’s land. Yeah, my imagination in overdrive as usual). I was also a bit embarassed because by the second day, people at the resort started referring to me as the “lone traveller from Singapore”. Everyone else came as a pair (husband/wife, bf/gf, bf/bf).

I think i will do it again though. For a person who is terrified of being alone, and who hasn’t ever eaten in a restaurant, or watched a movie alone, having just myself for company for a couple of days..was strangely liberating. I also kept a diary and penning down all my thoughts- good and bad- cleared my mind a fair bit. The good mood lasted about two days after returning here though haha.

The softer side of LKY

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/11/world/asia/11lee.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3

“I try to busy myself,” he said, “but from time to time in idle moments, my mind goes back to the happy days we were up and about together.” Agnostic and pragmatic in his approach to life, he spoke with something like envy of people who find strength and solace in religion. “How do I comfort myself?” he asked. “Well, I say, ‘Life is just like that.’ ”

“What is next, I do not know,” he said. “Nobody has ever come back.”

“I’m reaching 87, trying to keep fit, presenting a vigorous figure, and it’s an effort, and is it worth the effort?” he said. “I laugh at myself trying to keep a bold front. It’s become my habit. I just carry on.”

HIS most difficult moments come at the end of each day, he said, as he sits by the bedside of his wife, Kwa Geok Choo, 89, who has been unable to move or speak for more than two years. She had been by his side, a confidante and counselor, since they were law students in London.

“She understands when I talk to her, which I do every night,” he said. “She keeps awake for me; I tell her about my day’s work, read her favorite poems.”

Ok i can’t help it but I am moved=). I am quite blinded when it comes to my respect and admiration for the old man, probably a result of living 16 years with a grandmother who loves him.

Highlights Part 1

Presenting…the takeaways of my own mini eat-pray-love journey! Yeah, i read the book and I must admit I was wee bit inspired by Gilbert’s experience. A quick mention of the book: has some wonderful quotes, some delightful parts, you get envious reading the book cos very few people would have the means to travel for a year to three different countries so I guess you do get to live vicariously…but she is terribly self-indulgent, clearly depressed at some points, and comes across rather self-absorbed (there were some parts I just had to skim through because it is just one woman and her brain going on…and on..and on). Am definitely going to catch the film though- i love Julia Roberts and there’s Javier Bardem (yes that menacing thing from No Country for Old Men).

1) Books

When you are alone in a land where people really don’t speak much English, books will become your best friend.  The resort’s library is well-stocked on the classics and I’ve Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby. Have always loved him- his writing is simple, fluid and yet so full-of-life. The Great Gatsby is easy to read, charming and altogether tragic. My favourite scene has got to be when Gatsby and Daisy meet again, after years of being apart. Beautifully written. Loves=)

2) Food

I know I should be eating Thai food but there are so many italian restaurants, I can’t help it! Italian food is MY WEAKNESS. It is a tad weird dining on my own but after a while, i was like heck it, Lao Niang is hungry haha. Waitresses say I look Thai and always look mildly stupefied when they realise I can only gesture and speak in English. The picture (top right) is courtesy of room service- I ate outside my “villa”, on my own patio, in the clear moonlight, only accompanied by soft traditional Thai music (the resort has a live performance every night) and er, mosquitoes. Great pasta, even better ambience. Two meals a day only, because of the free Continental breakfast every morning. I love omelettes- cheese, ham, mushroom! Basically, it is just eat-until-grow-fat-and-drunk (given my penchance for red wine, i had one glass every night! haha).

3) The temple and the former monk

I don’t quite know how to describe my religious inclinations. I believe in God…the idea of life after death, angels, hell, heaven, karma…and I kinda think all religions are there to provide different people with different routes to God. I love temples though- no idea why, but they always calm me and so, I got a cabbie to take me to the nearest one:). Also had a random one plus two hours conversation with a former monk- he went through poverty, studied hard, got married and gained material success as an engineer, only to realise that happiness still evaded him. He spent 15 years as a monk and now, he is a preacher of sorts. He said many things but what really stuck was him saying how I am too much of a perfectionist, how my happiness is too dependent on external factors and how I needed a home to rest my mind. Food for thought i guess=)